It has come to my attention..

No one, including myself, is who they seem to be. And you can fool some of the people, at least some of the time.

I'm just doing my best to be as genuine as I can possibly be, even in my anger and frustration.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Been a year...

In multiple ways, its been (almost) a year since I posted last and its been a YEAR.

As I look back on the things I've written over the course of having this space, I can see a pattern. If I had a looking glass or been more aware I would have seen it then. Part ruination, part rebuild, part hurricane, yeah this year came in the same way its going out, baby followed by bathwater.

I take much of the blame for this on my own shoulders, broad as they may sometimes feel on my thin body, sometimes I just try to take on way too much. And when something falls from the sky on everyone's head I feel like I could have prevented it. Even if I wasn't alone in nudging the trajectory as I set down my tea.

And now as I step back and let things take their course as best I can, I still feel responsible. As I know that I'm not the only one who saw what was coming, I still feel at fault. Well, this minute anyway.

So many emotions, anger, despair, hope, and fear fight among themselves. Sometimes one overpowers another and moves to take on a third that may or may not succumb. The days go on and the balance of power shifts yet again and hope is nowhere to be found as anger stands in the middle of the ring, bruised and bloodied mostly by its own hand. Others hope stands alone in the center, all the others mentioned and new, temporarily blinded by it's radiance, until they realize that hope, although eternal only shines brightest for a short while.

Yeah so many metaphors, they do tend to muddle, don't they?

Its hard to be completely honest about your life when anyone with a computer and a little skill can find you out. I learned lately that it only takes one loose cannon to fire a shot that blows a hole in your life, another triggered by that in the center that sets itself off and decimates and scatters further. It only takes a single sentence, sometimes a single word, to hurt so many.

That, of course, is not where it all began, it began with me. So who's really to blame, the king or the courier. And which one am I?

Bitch. bitch, bitch

Now this is making up controversy.

I guess since Obama has become somewhat Teflon in the media it makes sense that the "liberal" CNN should begin again taking its cues from Fox and Drudge with this inane and ridiculous story.

Yes he just made a sweeping statement about governmental transparency and yes it was genuine. So why shut the visual media out of a second swearing in ceremony? Well you know the first one went so damn well in front of God and everybody, has anyone simply come to the conclusion that both he and Roberts may have been, well....nervous? What could possibly be worse than flubbing the lines to the Oath of Office than doing so a second time? After all, neither of them had done this before, and to fuck it up so terribly (personally I thought it was rather funny, the nation really does have a sense of humor you know, as well as a sense of what is important and not).

I would hardly pose that the re-swearing in was a case of national security, nor would I put forward the notion that keeping the cameras out was any great reversal of that notion of transparency. What I would pose is that the networks suck it up and move on, it isn't a story anymore than it was when you weren't invited to it.

Quit bitching and go find some real news.

Less is not more...

Been hitting a bit of a writing slump lately, my focus has been on the less creative aspects of my life and the more practical. There is a sea change afoot, and I'm not sure where its leading. I guess the correct analogy is more like trade winds blowing rather than a sea change. Or maybe I just don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

I have some time to myself finally, be careful what you wish for.

The holiday season has always been either go, go or hurry up and wait, now that its over I'm wondering what all the fuss was about in the first place. My family, both immediate and extended have all been feeling this, like a major shifting of tectonic plates is occurring and no one knows when it will stop, or what the landscape will look like when its over.

I know they say "just write" and I am trying that approach, but it isn't nearly as easy as it sounds especially when the hits come so fast you never have time to recognize all of them let alone comment on them.

Three real things that will help fix the economy

1. Forgive ALL government insured student loans
2. The US government should pay off ALL mortgages held by those making less than 100k a year at a discounted rate, take it or leave it.
3. All unsold new homes should be raffled off to anyone who can afford the taxes, no credit check required. State by state, residents first.

If we are going to give billions to those who only mismanage the economy back into the ground, we might as well give the general public the same opportunity to fuck up. I wonder who would manage it better, those who have so much to lose or those who would maybe suffer their home in the Hamptons to stab a poor person in the back to steal the fat out of their pork and beans. Anyone venture a guess?

Angry week

Lots of bleed.

I love the swings though, the salt and sweet, the vinegar and honey.

Work has been busting my ass, the world feels like its going to hell in a fruit basket but I still have so many joys in my life. Hearing about the overturned law in Cali, seeing the state get bitch-slapped for overstepping and watching the sun come up another day, seeing my son smile, being a friend and a lover. Consoling and being consoled, reaching out and pulling back. Yin and yang, happiness is a warm front before the storm, the storm itself and the cool breeze that follows. Hope.

Undersatnding, a vent....

Do I dwell? Really?

I don't think so, but that involves thinking. Dwelling? Is it possible not to dwell, at least for a little while, to figure out beyond the animal instinct why? Is that not why we are above the beasts?

My life is not perfect, but I love it. Would never give it up without a fight. Its not all flowers and candy but why should it be. If I cut my finger or stub my toe should I not say "ouch," remember how I did it and try not to do it again? Or even try and find a new way to do what I was doing during the accident and avoid injury. Does pain not teach you something other than that it hurts?

I just rediscover things about people and places that clue me in to things I have experienced, give me peace. Is this not right? Not the process?

Well it is mine. I examine things in a much more casual way now, but no less intensely. Apparently this intensity is something only a few select people can handle. Through me being me I have now whittled my list of friends down three more in the past year. I wish them all well but I cannot help but see the utter and complete isolation an unexamined life must offer. But I don't live their lives, I don't have the intense hurts they have, the disappointments they have had. I don't understand, nor do I want to. After a point I guess it is best to let go. Let go of the things that mean so much to me in those attachments as they are concerned.

I refuse to go quietly though, flatly refuse. Even with my last dying breath I will fight to understand the world, the people and the places that mean so much to me. Even with the contrivance of "forget," I can't not forgive,it just isn't my way. I seek balance, and I find it in so many ways, but I do not seek numbness. Never numbness.

I reexamine, that's what I do. I can't forgive without knowing what hurt me in the first place. Sorry world, fuck you if you can't take a thought.

...that was nice...I feel so much better now :)

Wesley Clark VP?

For Obama an interesting choice, one of the only choices that may solidify the white collar/military vote. That is, assuming he wins the nomination, and Mr Clark is interested in the position. We shall see....