The Cultural Antagonist

It has come to my attention..

2010-11-09T10:50:00.000-08:00

No one, including myself, is who they seem to be. And you can fool some of the people, at least some of the time.

I'm just doing my best to be as genuine as I can possibly be, even in my anger and frustration.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Been a year...

2009-12-10T17:58:00.000-08:00

In multiple ways, its been (almost) a year since I posted last and its been a YEAR.

As I look back on the things I've written over the course of having this space, I can see a pattern. If I had a looking glass or been more aware I would have seen it then. Part ruination, part rebuild, part hurricane, yeah this year came in the same way its going out, baby followed by bathwater.

I take much of the blame for this on my own shoulders, broad as they may sometimes feel on my thin body, sometimes I just try to take on way too much. And when something falls from the sky on everyone's head I feel like I could have prevented it. Even if I wasn't alone in nudging the trajectory as I set down my tea.

And now as I step back and let things take their course as best I can, I still feel responsible. As I know that I'm not the only one who saw what was coming, I still feel at fault. Well, this minute anyway.

So many emotions, anger, despair, hope, and fear fight among themselves. Sometimes one overpowers another and moves to take on a third that may or may not succumb. The days go on and the balance of power shifts yet again and hope is nowhere to be found as anger stands in the middle of the ring, bruised and bloodied mostly by its own hand. Others hope stands alone in the center, all the others mentioned and new, temporarily blinded by it's radiance, until they realize that hope, although eternal only shines brightest for a short while.

Yeah so many metaphors, they do tend to muddle, don't they?

Its hard to be completely honest about your life when anyone with a computer and a little skill can find you out. I learned lately that it only takes one loose cannon to fire a shot that blows a hole in your life, another triggered by that in the center that sets itself off and decimates and scatters further. It only takes a single sentence, sometimes a single word, to hurt so many.

That, of course, is not where it all began, it began with me. So who's really to blame, the king or the courier. And which one am I?

Bitch. bitch, bitch

2009-01-22T17:22:00.000-08:00

Now this is making up controversy.

I guess since Obama has become somewhat Teflon in the media it makes sense that the "liberal" CNN should begin again taking its cues from Fox and Drudge with this inane and ridiculous story.

Yes he just made a sweeping statement about governmental transparency and yes it was genuine. So why shut the visual media out of a second swearing in ceremony? Well you know the first one went so damn well in front of God and everybody, has anyone simply come to the conclusion that both he and Roberts may have been, well....nervous? What could possibly be worse than flubbing the lines to the Oath of Office than doing so a second time? After all, neither of them had done this before, and to fuck it up so terribly (personally I thought it was rather funny, the nation really does have a sense of humor you know, as well as a sense of what is important and not).

I would hardly pose that the re-swearing in was a case of national security, nor would I put forward the notion that keeping the cameras out was any great reversal of that notion of transparency. What I would pose is that the networks suck it up and move on, it isn't a story anymore than it was when you weren't invited to it.

Quit bitching and go find some real news.

Less is not more...

2009-01-15T15:32:00.000-08:00

Been hitting a bit of a writing slump lately, my focus has been on the less creative aspects of my life and the more practical. There is a sea change afoot, and I'm not sure where its leading. I guess the correct analogy is more like trade winds blowing rather than a sea change. Or maybe I just don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

I have some time to myself finally, be careful what you wish for.

The holiday season has always been either go, go or hurry up and wait, now that its over I'm wondering what all the fuss was about in the first place. My family, both immediate and extended have all been feeling this, like a major shifting of tectonic plates is occurring and no one knows when it will stop, or what the landscape will look like when its over.

I know they say "just write" and I am trying that approach, but it isn't nearly as easy as it sounds especially when the hits come so fast you never have time to recognize all of them let alone comment on them.

Three real things that will help fix the economy

2008-10-03T21:07:00.001-07:00

1. Forgive ALL government insured student loans
2. The US government should pay off ALL mortgages held by those making less than 100k a year at a discounted rate, take it or leave it.
3. All unsold new homes should be raffled off to anyone who can afford the taxes, no credit check required. State by state, residents first.

If we are going to give billions to those who only mismanage the economy back into the ground, we might as well give the general public the same opportunity to fuck up. I wonder who would manage it better, those who have so much to lose or those who would maybe suffer their home in the Hamptons to stab a poor person in the back to steal the fat out of their pork and beans. Anyone venture a guess?

Angry week

2008-05-24T15:40:00.000-07:00

Lots of bleed.

I love the swings though, the salt and sweet, the vinegar and honey.

Work has been busting my ass, the world feels like its going to hell in a fruit basket but I still have so many joys in my life. Hearing about the overturned law in Cali, seeing the state get bitch-slapped for overstepping and watching the sun come up another day, seeing my son smile, being a friend and a lover. Consoling and being consoled, reaching out and pulling back. Yin and yang, happiness is a warm front before the storm, the storm itself and the cool breeze that follows. Hope.

Undersatnding, a vent....

2008-05-24T15:16:00.000-07:00

Do I dwell? Really?

I don't think so, but that involves thinking. Dwelling? Is it possible not to dwell, at least for a little while, to figure out beyond the animal instinct why? Is that not why we are above the beasts?

My life is not perfect, but I love it. Would never give it up without a fight. Its not all flowers and candy but why should it be. If I cut my finger or stub my toe should I not say "ouch," remember how I did it and try not to do it again? Or even try and find a new way to do what I was doing during the accident and avoid injury. Does pain not teach you something other than that it hurts?

I just rediscover things about people and places that clue me in to things I have experienced, give me peace. Is this not right? Not the process?

Well it is mine. I examine things in a much more casual way now, but no less intensely. Apparently this intensity is something only a few select people can handle. Through me being me I have now whittled my list of friends down three more in the past year. I wish them all well but I cannot help but see the utter and complete isolation an unexamined life must offer. But I don't live their lives, I don't have the intense hurts they have, the disappointments they have had. I don't understand, nor do I want to. After a point I guess it is best to let go. Let go of the things that mean so much to me in those attachments as they are concerned.

I refuse to go quietly though, flatly refuse. Even with my last dying breath I will fight to understand the world, the people and the places that mean so much to me. Even with the contrivance of "forget," I can't not forgive,it just isn't my way. I seek balance, and I find it in so many ways, but I do not seek numbness. Never numbness.

I reexamine, that's what I do. I can't forgive without knowing what hurt me in the first place. Sorry world, fuck you if you can't take a thought.

...that was nice...I feel so much better now :)

Wesley Clark VP?

2008-05-22T23:24:00.000-07:00

For Obama an interesting choice, one of the only choices that may solidify the white collar/military vote. That is, assuming he wins the nomination, and Mr Clark is interested in the position. We shall see....

Too little, to late

2008-03-14T00:11:00.000-07:00

I have this habit, no it isn't smoking or drugs, sex or gambling (although some or all of the above in moderation can be fun). No, it isn't something as interesting as all that, it's something far more mundane. I give advice.

I thought I had kicked it, licked it, stuck it deep in the closet it belongs. I traded it for merely listening, not talking as much, just hearing and feeling the words coming out of others mouths. But I am off the wagon again.

As I have grown older I have also grown less tolerant of stupidity. The ignorant have become less pitiful and more annoying. I feel the same amount of empathy but very little patience. You have one shot to take what I offer and then it is hastily and angrily withdrawn. I think I may have finally grown up, and you know what? I like it.

Personality Test

2008-02-21T13:45:00.000-08:00

Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
by Joe Butt

Profile: INFP
Revision: 3.0
Date of Revision: 26 Feb 2005

"I remember the first albatross I ever saw. ... At intervals, it arched forth its vast archangel wings, as if to embrace some holy ark. Wondrous flutterings and throbbings shook it. Though bodily unharmed, it uttered cries, as some king's ghost in super natural distress. Through its inexpressible, strange eyes, methought I peeped to secrets not below the heavens. As Abraham before the angels, I bowed myself..." --(Herman Melville, Moby Dick)

INFPs never seem to lose their sense of wonder. One might say they see life through rose-colored glasses. It's as though they live at the edge of a looking-glass world where mundane objects come to life, where flora and fauna take on near-human qualities.

INFP children often exhibit this in a 'Calvin and Hobbes' fashion, switching from reality to fantasy and back again. With few exceptions, it is the NF child who readily develops imaginary playmates (as with Anne of Green Gables's "bookcase girlfriend"--her own reflection) and whose stuffed animals come to life like the Velveteen Rabbit and the Skin Horse:

"...Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand..." (the Skin Horse)

INFPs have the ability to see good in almost anyone or anything. Even for the most unlovable the INFP is wont to have pity.

Rest you, my enemy,
Slain without fault,
Life smacks but tastelessly
Lacking your salt!
Stuck in a bog whence naught
May catapult me,
Come from the grave, long-sought,
Come and insult me!
--(Steven Vincent Benet, Elegy for an Enemy)

Their extreme depth of feeling is often hidden, even from themselves, until circumstances evoke an impassioned response:

"I say, Queequeg! Why don't you speak? It's I--Ishmael." But all remained still as before. ... Something must have happened. Apoplexy!
... And running up after me, she caught me as I was again trying to force open the door. ... "Have to burst it open," said I, and was running down the entry a little, for a good start, when the landlady caught me, again vowing I should not break down her premises; but I tore from her, and with a sudden bodily rush dashed myself full against the mark.--(Melville, Moby Dick)

Of course, not all of life is rosy, and INFPs are not exempt from the same disappointments and frustrations common to humanity. As INTPs tend to have a sense of failed competence, INFPs struggle with the issue of their own ethical perfection, e.g., perfo rmance of duty for the greater cause. An INFP friend describes the inner conflict as not good versus bad, but on a grand scale, Good vs. Evil. Luke Skywalker in Star Wars depicts this conflict in his struggle between the two sides of "The Force." Although the dark side must be reckoned with, the INFP believes that good ultimately triumphs.

Some INFPs have a gift for taking technical information and putting it into layman's terms. Brendan Kehoe's Zen and the Art of the Internet is one example of this "de-jargoning" talent in action.

Functional Analysis:
Introverted Feeling

INFPs live primarily in a rich inner world of introverted Feeling. Being inward-turning, the natural attraction is away from world and toward essence and ideal. This introversion of dominant Feeling, receiving its data from extraverted intuition, must be the source of the quixotic nature of these usually gentle beings. Feeling is caught in the approach- avoidance bind between concern both for people and for All Creatures Great and Small, and a psycho-magnetic repulsion from the same. The "object," be it homo sapiens or a mere representation of an organism, is valued only to the degree that the object contains some measure of the inner Essence or greater Good. Doing a good deed, for example, may provide intrinsic satisfaction which is only secondary to the greater good of striking a blow against Man's Inhumanity to Mankind.
Extraverted iNtuition

Extraverted intuition faces outward, greeting the world on behalf of Feeling. What the observer usually sees is creativity with implied good will. Intuition spawns this type's philosophical bent and strengthens pattern perception. It combines as auxiliary with introverted Feeling and gives rise to unusual skill in both character development and fluency with language--a sound basis for the development of literary facility. If INTPs aspire to word mechanics, INFPs would be verbal artists.
Introverted Sensing

Sensing is introverted and often invisible. This stealth function in the third position gives INFPs a natural inclination toward absent- mindedness and other-worldliness, however, Feeling's strong people awareness provides a balancing, mitigating effect. This introverted Sensing is somewhat categorical, a subdued version of SJ sensing. In the third position, however, it is easily overridden by the stronger functions.
Extraverted Thinking

The INFP may turn to inferior extraverted Thinking for help in focusing on externals and for closure. INFPs can even masquerade in their ESTJ business suit, but not without expending considerable energy. The inferior, problematic nature of Extraverted Thinking is its lack of context and proportion. Single impersonal facts may loom large or attain higher priority than more salient principles which are all but overlooked.
Famous INFPs:

Homer
Virgil
Mary, mother of Jesus
St. John, the beloved disciple
St. Luke; physician, disciple, author
William Shakespeare, bard of Avon
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (Evangeline)
A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
Laura Ingalls Wilder (Little House on the Prairie)
Helen Keller, deaf and blind author
Carl Rogers, reflective psychologist, counselor
Fred Rogers (Mister Rogers' Neighborhood)
Dick Clark (American Bandstand)
Donna Reed, actor (It's a Wonderful Life)
Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis
Neil Diamond, vocalist
Tom Brokaw, news anchor
James Herriot (All Creatures Great and Small)
Annie Dillard (Pilgrim at Tinker Creek)
James Taylor, vocalist
Julia Roberts, actor (Conspiracy Theory, Pretty Woman)
Scott Bakula (Quantum Leap)
Terri Gross (PBS's "Fresh Air")
Amy Tan (author of The Joy-Luck Club, The Kitchen God's Wife)
John F. Kennedy, Jr.
Lisa Kudrow ("Phoebe" of Friends)
Fred Savage ("The Wonder Years")
Fictional INFPs:

Anne (Anne of Green Gables)
Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)
Deanna Troi (Star Trek - The Next Generation)
Wesley Crusher (Star Trek - The Next Generation)
Doctor Julian Bashir (Star Trek: Deep Space 9)
Bastian (The Neverending Story)
E.T.: the ExtraTerrestrial
Doug Funny, Doug cartoons
Tommy, Rug Rats cartoons
Rocko, Rocko's Modern Life cartoons
Copyright © 1996-2007 by Joe Butt

Back online

2008-02-13T11:45:00.000-08:00

Computer issues fixed. Will be posting again very, very soon.

Social Responsibility

2007-12-16T17:09:00.000-08:00

I have a responsibility to be social, one to myself and those who love me to nourish this heart and mind by surrounding myself with people I enjoy. Had a great one last night, low key, silly, slightly drunken fun for myself and a few select warm bodies. I had forgotten how important this is in my life and that made it all the more sweet.

I re-read a lot of the posts I've made this past few years (is it that long, my how time flies) and no surprise in the fact that the very same people I was so desperately missing back then are the ones who have re-graced my life after returning home. Writers, dreamers, friends, silly conversationalists and deep thinkers, parents and patients, the wine, beer and whiskey flowed and so did the tongues wag.

I have never felt so funny, intelligent and MYSELF among any other group of people and I love them all.

I found that part of myself that I had neglected for so long, the part unafraid of judgment, the part so open, so alive, so ME. Yes some parts of my life still suck, but the people in my life do not and that is the trick. I've found the grail and had a sip and now i feel rejuvenated.

Maybe, just maybe after the holidays I can do something creative again...I think so, climbing up that hill...and I'm not alone.

Love and warmth...

2007-12-07T13:51:00.001-08:00

Your Score: Mahasiddha

I'm 89% Polymorphically Perverse!

You spent the first half of your sexual career experimenting, and your skills are way beyond the commonplace. But you are just too damn smart to wholly believe that technique and debauchery alone constitute a reliable path to integration. And you're right, my friend.

Time has come to find a spiritual path with heart - nothing is gained by compartmentalizing existence.

I hesitate to make further suggestions as this will appear to be grandstanding. After all, you're nobody's fool... or are you? Beware the demon of mundane pride, dear heart. You've travelled too far to go through all these things twice, so : be aware. Watch your mind. Take it out and play with it, and don't allow distraction to steal your relaxed attention!

Instead of further obscure hints, herewith a short explanation of the Thangka, which is of Samantabhadri/Samantabhadra. They are always naked - their nakedness reminds us of non-conceptual reality-as-it-is (versus 'conventional reality' in which right and wrong, left and right, east and west arise and cannot entirely be ignored).

They manifest in union to show the uninterrupted and seamless union of Bliss and Emptiness.

Within this one life-time, in this very body, may we accomplish the path and result, and experience reality just like that!

To possess this precious human body with sense-fields intact is as rare an occurrence as for a great sea-turtle, which comes up for breath but once in an inestimably long eon, to break the surface and poke its head directly through a yoke floating upon an ocean as wide as the sea of possibility - yet this occurs! Let's not waste the opportunity, fully realizing there is no guarantee we shall ever again experience this good fortune...

Link: The Non-dual Polymorphic Perversity Test written by aroaro on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Long time no see

2007-09-08T06:06:00.000-07:00

Computer still down, working my ass off, Landlord being a putz about renewing our lease, life is just ducky.

On a positive note, work is quite fulfilling, lots of heavy lifting so the effect on my (marginal) physique is quite well...astounding. I do need to eat more though.

Tragedy

2007-08-03T05:15:00.000-07:00

I was going to write more about my computer troubles but this just makes everything seem, well, insignificant. My thoughts go out to everyone affected by this tragedy. I remember the Mianus River bridge collapse here in CT back in '83. I'll save my comments on the hows and whys for a later date.

Happy Monday

2007-07-30T03:19:00.000-07:00

Went to Sonic Youth show with my bud D Saturday, had a blast. Will post some blurry shots soon. Computer down until at least Monday (next), just to reiterate, technology sucks. I haven't written anything in almost a month, making me crazy.

MOBO're suckage

2007-07-27T06:10:00.000-07:00

Well that didn't fix things one tiny bit.

PSU may be shot, the damn thing is so frustrating at this point that I'm really and truly ready to throw it out the window. Probably ordering a new one at the end of the week, so now that makes three weeks I'm out of commission. I really, really need a laptop. And about 95 Mil. (gods of powerball, HEAR ME!)

Oh and by the way...technology sucks!

A fix on the way?

2007-07-21T06:41:00.000-07:00

OK it looks like I may have a new MoBo. I stuck a new one in my wish list and have started some comparison shopping but it looks like this is the one I am going for. Its a chipset I'm not used to, VIA K8T890, and the reviews are mixed compared to the Nforce 4 chipset, but the price and the customer reviews were right. With expedited shipping I should have it sometime on Monday or Tuesday. Installation should be quick and dirty, although I forgot conductive paste in the order, I sure hope one of the big box stores keep it in stock or I may be out of commission for a few more days, ugh!

All told, I have been without for so long that I just need something to get me up and running again. Lack of internet access and the ability to write have taken its toll on me.

Hopefully I'll be typing this on my own PC sometime in the next three days, YAY!

Dammit!

2007-07-15T16:38:00.000-07:00

Computer fucking go boom!

No clue how I'm going to fix it short of buying a new MoBo, what sucks (WARNING: Tech talk ahead) is that the socket (AMD 939) is now obsolete. I can find 22 models on New Egg and at least 5 are out of stock. So now the question becomes, do I upgrade to a new processor/MoBo Combination, take the hit and deal with it? Or do I go for one of the few MoBos left and hope to god this one lasts until next year?

For now I'll continue to tinker and use my loving wife's computer as so needed.

But boy does it suck not to be able to NOT post here.l

2007-07-14T23:19:00.001-07:00

Your Score: The Taoist

You scored 30 Materialism and 70 Phenomenology!

The Way is flux. The Way is order. The Way is Chaos. And if you do it right, the Way is you. You have a good balance of the material and phenomenological realms in your personal experiences, and see reality as a holistic set of interlocking systems, constantly changing, constantly supporting or resting on one another. The Tao (and the Buddhist sect it inspired, Zen) isn't about getting on with it, it's about realizing there's no it to get on with. Thinkers you may agree with: Lao-tzu (duh) Thinkers that may challenge you: One is all.

Link: The Metaphysician Test written by Jaylhomme on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

figures he's a Libertarian...

2007-05-18T21:30:00.000-07:00

Clicky

I wonder if it matters at all

2007-05-13T13:54:00.000-07:00

5/15.

Don't buy gas on this date?

So OK then what do you do, fill up the day before? The way folks think nowadays how much do you wanna bet that 5/14 will be one of the best days on record for gas sales? What is the point of having a gas out? There really isn't one except to show the effectiveness of word of mouth over intelligence. I stand ready to be proven wrong, but one single day of lowered consumption and then right back up to the previous levels ain't doing bumkiss to show anyone anything.

But I''l "gas out" just the same. After all who wouldn't want to be a part of the worlds biggest failed social experiment?

Al long last....

2007-05-11T08:02:00.001-07:00

Vindication.

On an arguably brighter note...

2007-05-04T04:30:00.000-07:00

May 1st. A day that will, well, live.

But for Rush fans such as myself, its a day of redemption and celebration (not to mention a bit of hyperbole). Snakes and Arrows came out Tuesday, and although I haven't gotten my hands on a copy yet, I like what I've heard, a lot!

As usual the critical response has been mixed, but unusually it has also been more positive than negative. Speaking of positive and negative...one of the things I keep hearing is that the CD is a "downer" from a quick reading of the lyrics I don't see that, but given the fact that the damn thing has been out for only a few days and to properly digest a new Rush release usually takes me months, even YEARS, to call a new release ANYTHING after a few listens is unfair.

The lyrics, to me, betray one simple and quite positive POV, persevere regardless of the chaos in the world around you, push on despite setbacks and turmoil and keep moving, because like a fish, if you stop, you die. I'd say that is definitely not a pessimistic point of view.

Ill wait until June when the MMV format disk arrives and I may (legally) download the album beforehand, but its nice to have something to look forward to.

Goodbye Mr. Rosewater

2007-04-14T08:32:00.000-07:00

I can't really talk about this yet. I've tried for the past few days to gather the proper words. I guess it just hasn't hit me yet.

Not to be too cliche but...so it goes.

Fourm Whore

2007-03-29T18:02:00.000-07:00

I have this habit. Its like casual drug use, I indulge occasionally and sometimes it goes a bit too far. My wife calls it forum whoring, a less than flattering term, but I guess its mostly accurate.

Every once in a great while I find a place where i like to just hang out virtually, I love film, and I love writing so more often than not the places I visit tend to reflect my interest in both these subjects.

Actually it started with the old site politics.com which sadly has gone the way of the dodo, but that was my gateway drug. Actually further back then that I got into posting on message boards when my wife and I were playing MMOs (Massively Mutual Ownership of your life) to shorten a long and really stupid story, we were part of a Group of players who grouped together and "quested" yeah sure sounds geeky. Anyhoo, we used forums to communicate, plan online activities and just simply bullshit, well the simply bullshit part was the pastime I chose to pursue.

I got into political argument after political argument, got criticized for not only my POV but also my personal life, well, that was the end of that...

So a few years go by, I'm living in Florida and bored out of my skull, so I start posting at the movie forums, politics.com and a few writing sites and things snowball from there.

Now I love a good argument, love being challenged, but when it gets personal I tend to back off, shell up and go away. On the one hand I do understand why people do it, they get frustrated when the argument becomes un-winnable, they run out of impertinent things to say and they resort to the equivalent of "yo-momma" jokes. But I can't understand why people can't just accept the fact they there is often a great gulf between opinion and fact.

Where was this going...I really don't know....

Rep "comes out" of the "nontheist" closet

2007-03-29T17:54:00.000-07:00

Representative Pete Stark of California announces his lack of faith.

The Humanist's blog is somewhere I don't often go, I've been too wrapped up in writing and forum whoring (more on that later) to really concentrate on any of my other obsessions. But I did find this interesting.

I'm pretty fucking sure that this pisses me off..

2007-03-16T20:12:00.000-07:00

Got another bullshit chain email today, something about Oil. Showed a Sheik, his silver (NOT plated, real silver) car and his lavish estate. OK well yeah that pisses me off but what is worse is that the email doesn't show the machinations behind the same lavish estates, conspicuous consumption and imperial string pulling that goes on in these United States. Most Americans really piss me off.

Its so easy to point the finger east, so easy to call the Arabs names. At least they don't hide behind American Capitalism and "freedom" to justify the ass-raping we are taking at the pump. They don't pretend to be anything other than what they are, greedy bastards who feel that they have a decree, signed by the almighty, justifying all this. American oil just laughs at the excessive profits, points at our sorry dependent selves and like all drug dealers, knows that whatever the price, we will be back.

Dreams

2007-03-08T12:09:00.000-08:00

Wild vivid dreams, imagination. Midday rest often gives me this. Spooning naked with my wife this afternoon, sweat sheening my chest (so much so that water droplets formed on my fingers as I raked them across) I had dreams. Three in fact, all emotional, all both devastating and comforting.

I had no control over them, usually at some point I can seize control at the waking stage and direct my actions, this time they were like movies I watched from behind my own eyes. I was the star of the delicate tragi-comedies that played out yet I could do nothing to change anything. One was in a casino, the other in bed and the third was somewhere else. I don't remember the place, but I do remember sweat and at least three women, and yes we were all naked.

That lead-in was the matinée of the triple feature, a light on intellect, primal and raw, an action film mixed with porn. The remaining two shook me in so many subtle ways, guilt, anger, frustration and love.

I need to figure out what they mean, I need to write.

Damn her! (in a good way)

2007-03-06T17:21:00.000-08:00

Well the wife has "finished" yet another story. I hate that, people finishing shit before I do. She has no idea exactly how well she writes, which is good for me. Having two egomaniacs in the house at a time would be bad for our collective health.

Did I mention, I am working on a novel? Yeah just like "I'm just waitressing until I get discovered" fucking A!

We have started an impromptu writers circle with a very good friend, we each have certain strengths and weaknesses, faults and fruitful criticisms. We manage to inspire each other in very curious ways, so much so that I have been going through much of my old writing and finding gems I had previously thought were trash.

A lot of my life has been like that lately, trash to treasure.

Back in CT now for 7 months, and in a way it feels like we never left, very odd.

My wife and I rediscovered each other, rediscovered our literary voices and... Well some things are just too personal for a public forum. Love really does conquer all, be it love between a man and a woman, or just love in general.

I have also rediscovered something wonderful and additionally fulfilling in my life, some old friends whom I missed greatly (my wife having a much bigger clue about this than I, as usual) one in particular has graced my life (and our lives) in ways I couldn't possibly have imagined. Thank you.

Got email from a coworker turned friend last afternoon, she just had another baby and bought a home, good for her. She and I always seemed to just miss clicking, as is my habit we ended up bonding late in my time in the funshine state (the moonshine state? NASCAR anyone?) I never really realize how many lives I affected and how they affected me. Is this blissful ignorance or just zen opportunism? Who the hell knows. All I know is I miss the hell outa some of the people, the place? Meh!

There she goes again...

2007-03-06T14:52:00.000-08:00

Coulter "outs" Edwards

Gotta love ol' Ann. Now that we don't have Michael Savage to push around anymore, (hes still out there, just broadcasting on fewer markets and to more rabid and marginalized folks) once again Miss (Ms, Mrs. Although I couldn't ever imagine anyone living with her let alone SLEEPING with her) Coulter is at it again. The target du jour, gays of course. Well, not really... John Edwards (who let it be known does send even this straight mans gaydar soaring into the red) caught the glancing blow of AC's steel tipped whip. (mental image deleted)

I really don't get it, and maybe thats my problem. I don't get the Hardaway thing, I don't get why people feel the need to comment on something they obviously have no understanding of. You don't like gay people, I really don't give a fuck and my gay friends could give a rat's ass either. How about just shutting the fuck up and doing what you do. It was good enough for your side as far as the Dixie Chicks was concerned, how bout giving it a try hu?

The great irony here is the article itself, or more like the assertion within it that people should stop giving Coulter press....What???? Um, just a second here you just wrote that people should STOP writing about her, yet the article...its about her?

My wife reads slate regularly, often with me in the room. Her computer sits diagonally across from mine in the corner living room of the small apartment she, my son and myself share. I can always tell when she is reading it from the constant shuffling, sighing and the occasional "what the fuck!" My reply is always the same, "Slate hu?," to which I usually receive back an audible sneer and a link to the offending article.

I stay away from most "journalism" these days. At one time I was a news hound, predicting accurately the latest scandal or disaster, nowadays I do as little "news" as possible. I have an RSS feed running constantly below this very virtual box, BBC news. Yep, I am now officially a news ex-pat, even the perky, cherry lipped goddess, Robin Meade forsaken because if I hear one more "news" story about Anna Nicole Smith, Britiany Spears or any other of the latest train wrecks designed to make us feel better about dead marines or the shit hole economy I'm going to seriously hurt someone. Being so cold up here in the northeast, it would have to be someone within a 20 mile radius, and I happen to like the people with the best access for a killshot.

I used to intern at an "Alternative News Weekly" granted, like working at Bonanza as opposed to a real restaurant it is a far cry from the busy bustling newsrooms of old, it was an interesting look at how stories were suggested and which ones the editors chose. I won't mention the town or the paper but I will say that there was a serious problem getting serious stories done about the City listed as part of the name of the paper. Shoreline concerns, advertisers, upscale markets, all took precedence over real stories about anything other than the latest scandal involving the sitting Mayor. If a certain amount of editorial censorship occurs at that level, I can only imagine...but like Bartelby I choose not to...at least for the time being.

Its about time!

2006-12-15T09:17:00.000-08:00

Civil unions, pending civil war...

Cha, cha, cha, changes...

2006-12-10T02:35:00.000-08:00

I have been playing around with some new templates, the old one just didn’t do it for me anymore and with the shift in focus of my postings it felt like time for a new beginning. The colors are a bit darker and deeper than the last two tries but I think Ill be sticking with this one for now. I’m no programmer, basic HTML has never been something I have taken the time to learn, but now perhaps this is the time to do so. I lost some of the links I had posted in the beginning including the counter and the webring link, some of them are still pertinent and may be coming back soon, but I am just not sure yet. Anyone who stumbles across this is free to critique and offer any suggestions for improvement. Smart-ass remarks will be promptly deleted, but good constructive criticism is always welcome.

I have been thinking

2006-12-08T08:54:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be a writer, to live the writing life of examination and sacrifice. I know I haven’t posted in a very long time, I also know that nobody seems to give a fuck, and that is OK with me. The last two months have been full of change, full of meaningful connections and lingering doubt, and full of writing about all of it.

My philosophy on writing has remained the same, static, while nothing else has. I have come to the conclusion that a life of examination means nothing without action, and I have learned how to love fully and completely again.

I will be posting more often, yeah I know promises promises…

Quickie

2005-11-06T13:33:00.000-08:00

“They play with your head, but they never stroke your hair” – Paul Westerberg

I love that little turn of a phrase. I feel like that often, teased with possibilities. The “they” still undefined, maybe a part of me, I don’t know.

Just sitting here listening to music avoiding the inevitability of cleaning a dirty apartment. I figured I would get a quick entry in as I feel moderately inspired to do so. So there it is…

Headlong...

2005-10-09T05:14:00.000-07:00

Been a while since I have posted anything here. It’s not that I haven’t been inspired to write, I guess it has more to do with the fact that no one seems to be reading. I have never been any good at diary writing, writing down the thoughts in my head for later reference just seems silly since I have been loath to access them for any insight at a later date. So I blog. I blog for me but also with the hope that someone, out there, may be reading. Patience is a virtue, but my virtuous side has been under fire as of late. I feel myself slipping in isolation, back to the cloistered child I was when I was 19. And so this cry in the dark.

So many things happen on a regular basis, so many things personal, political, internal and external. So many minor (and major) frustrations, so many little triumphs and major tragedies. I wrote before how Katrina made me feel, helpless, unimportant in my own struggles and silly and trifling in my personal needs for more than what I have at the moment. Well that feeling remains still, with the earthquakes, hurricanes and terror threats my needs feel less and less important. With the balance of the supreme court hanging, my issues seem childish and boring. With the imminent layoffs at Delta, Northwest and now Delphi http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/manufacturing/2005-10-08-delphibankruptcy_x.htm?csp=24 I see my own abysmal financial state as pitiful yet minor.

I guess its just another phase, another bump in the road. But I am not terribly inspired to write because everything I want to write about seems miniscule in importance by comparison.

I’ve been finding it difficult to reconcile a lot of things lately, my increasingly wandering eye, my need to flee this place for something more comfortable/more familiar, my need to fix what is broken and my feeling that a lot of it should be done by someone else.

I’m getting old, too old to be living the life of a young man. Too old to be dealing directly with “customers” who see me as less than human. People like the woman I dealt with last week, who in her haste to vacate the establishment I work for made her checkout more difficult by muttering her haste. And then I did the unforgivable, I made her wait more. I am constantly amazed and sadden when someone feels the need to hump my ass like a baboon, establishing their dominance over me by speaking to me in a way no person should speak to another. The method she employed was all the more maddening because it was indirect.

When I made an error which caused the entire sale to be wrung up MANUALLY, she about lost her mind. Grabbing her cellular phone (another constant source of anger inflammation within me) and began to speak inappropriately loudly into it asking her husband to pick up her kids because the “ineptitude” of the cashier caused her another 5 minute wait, I about lost it. I broke the first rule of customer service, this woman was NOT right. Not right in her indirect name calling, not direct in her haste to leave the store after casually shopping it for over an HOUR and not correct in assuming that I was neither intelligent enough to know the passive aggressive game she was playing nor in the fact that she believed I would not respond to her insults.

Why do people feel compelled to use those in retail as the “pressure valve” for the frustrations of their daily lives? Why dehumanize another person for the sake of your own ineptitude in the area of interpersonal communications? And why the goddammed hell are people so rushed? Kids are overscheduled, people race by me on the road “fighting traffic” and exceeding the speed limit only to meet me, gripping the wheel, at the next light? Why?

It makes me wonder what people are rushing to. Are we driven to kill ourselves in order to cram as much “life” into our lives as possible? So much importance is placed upon being prompt that everything else is a blur. We have scheduled and re-scheduled ourselves into an automaton state. There are no roses to smell because they only exist as a blur on the side of the road, and nobody except the poor and mad walk anymore.

Headlong into the abyss we ride. We push ourselves and by extension everyone around us into a frenzy by wanting more, more MORE, faster and better when most of it is the same repackaged shit. I have lived my life as a mess of major mistakes and minor triumphs, have given of myself without asking anything in return and now as I see everyone has moved on from the idea of cooperation and mutual struggle to make life “easier” and in the process become, and have made life harder.

I have become “harder” as well. Some say that this is the process of growing up, I say bullshit! The process of distinguishing yourself by choosing among a limited number of options, hodgepodging them together in a limited number of ways and calling it “unique” is not distinguishing at all. We push each other so hard, and for what? To achieve the same empty existence of our forefathers? To further distance ourselves and in doing so, from the rest of humanity? Why?

A view from the ground..

2005-09-13T15:29:00.000-07:00

All politics aside, this gave me some hope
http://www.livejournal.com/users/interdictor/

Thanks to WilWheaton.net for the heads up

How I'm feeling right now...

2005-09-13T01:51:00.000-07:00

A better perspective...

2005-09-13T01:41:00.000-07:00

A better perspective on what went wrong.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9287434/

Yet another unbalanced perspective on New Orleans...

2005-09-11T07:36:00.000-07:00

http://tiadaily.com/php-bin/news/showArticle.php?id=1026

At the direction of my wife who has a co-worker who had the nerve to bring such a politically derisive article and post it in a place of business, I wandered over to the website where the article was generated. As soon as I saw the word “objectivist” I knew what I was in for. Its yet another article about the failures of the disaster in New Orleans, but this time the failure is placed firmly on the shoulders of the welfare state. Now I have read all kinds of Libertarian and Anarcho-Capitalist articles, especially lately, but this one is so utterly one sided in its description of the poor as “Welfare Parasites” that it goes beyond the pale in demonizing the poor for their condition.

Showing no supportive data, no analysis of the failures of the capitalist state in its complicity with the “Welfare State” to offer people nothing short of a pittance for their labor, and no background on the governmental failures of diversion of funds from a potential (and many critics believe, inevitable) disaster to a wasteful and unnecessary war. No mention of the secondary disasters of people already strapped for cash being squeezed further into bankruptcy by inflated gas prices, which were as much a result of inadequate refining capabilities as capitalist speculators. (Exxon-Mobil is set to post the largest profits in history this fiscal year from a combination of high oil prices and limited supply of Gasoline) There is a striking parallel here. Neither the government nor private industry, in this case the oil companies, saw the writing on the wall, and if they did there is no excuse for not reacting to it accordingly. No excuse, save that of blissful and purposeful ignorance, and a need, a need to collude.

I have always held that there are no such things as conspiracies; there are what I call “convenient collusions” disparate parties working in loose conjunction with each other under the guise of an agenda or a common purpose. Conspiracies are painfully awkward and unwieldy animals; they have a mind of their own. They never do what you want them to do, and there are multiple agendas at stake when any group of people engage in them. Every individual has his or her own agenda and even if some of the parties agree on some of the items, there will always be self interest that gets in the way or risks the exposure of the entire enterprise. Collisions need not have a common agenda, at least not one that requires direct and total coordination or actions. The added benefit, like the sleeper cell model of terror, is that collusion participants can disavow knowledge of the actions of each other, even if, in this case there is an obvious link between government and private industry.

Neither, in this case, decided that infrastructure was as important as profits, or expediency. In the case of the government, there was no thought given to the haphazard way the levee system was constructed, and no thought that even as projected forecasts of disaster loomed the money and time spent wasted elsewhere (Iraq, for example) while cutting taxes so dramatically that the war sapped all available financial resources. And what could have been prevented by doing the right thing by the citizens of New Orleans is now a costly exercise in recovery and a dangerous example of what neglect and lack of forethought can do to already desperate people.

On the part of the oil companies and their ability to process and refine, the same logic applies. Could anyone not have seen the coming crisis? Did the fact that more Americans opted for bigger, better, faster, means of transportation not clue in the producers that the need for refining capacity would soon outstrip the ability to process fuel? I know they have some very intelligent and forward thinking individuals working for the likes of Exxon-Mobil. How could they not have seen this coming? Or was it cheaper and more profitable to limit supply? Cheaper and more profitable to NOT build more refineries or increase the capacity and efficiency of current ones, cheaper and more profitable to not anticipate the obvious growth of industry overseas. Cheaper and more profitable not to diversify and explore other options.

The posit that the poor are solely in control of their own destiny is an old one, and it is a deeply flawed and disproved one. The fact that many or most of the poor and welfare ridden are African-American (for lack of a better all-encompassing description) makes an article like this borderline racist. Yep, from the back of the deck I reveal… the Race card! People still can’t get it through their heads that the poverty stricken, both black and white, are desperate, not animals. The severe lack of education that shows in every poor soul who speaks on television (again, both black and white) is a major factor in determining the course of poverty. And the course of poverty in this country is determined as much by where you live as by what social strata you come from.

Much has already been said about the media descriptors used to make delineations between “looting” food and “finding’ it but still, given the perception of the reality that for many people IS poverty only those of us who have been cast in a bad light can see what the descriptors really mean. Like the testing done to determine preference of one race over another, it shows the root of how we perceive people is still ground in the subconscious, and that subconscious remains firmly planted in the soil of race.

The great failure of our society is not the welfare state; it is the utter lack of an intellectual understanding and a rational means by which we attain an understanding of what is actually happening around us. Tiadaily.com claims to come from a place of intellectuality and rationality but this article is an indication not only of emotionalism wrapped in the cloak of common sense and clothed in the ninja costume of rationality, there are no attributions to provide the numbers of people actually on welfare, no numbers to maintain the argument that there are other options for theses people who live in one of the poorest states and one of the cities with the highest unemployment rates in the nation to “do better” than the yoke of public assistance, no criticism of the corporate and institutional complacency and further manipulation of the climate that allows such poverty. An intellectual and rational viewpoint would include these things; they are not a part of this tome. They have no place in the world in which this type of blame and one-dimensional thinking reside.

I cant get beyond the lack of attribution, the lack of compassion of some of the “heroic individualists.” I also cant seem to get beyond the fact that their intellectual godmother. Ayn Rand was by all accounts a manipulative emotional cripple, who going against many of the precepts of her own philosophy, manipulated and coerced others to her own advantage. Mostly I cannot get beyond the utter lack of compassion inherent in this manner of thinking. They believe that altruism, in any form is counterproductive, that the needs of the one not only trump the needs of the many, but are actually good for the society (which by its very nature is collectivist to some degree). I feel, yes FEEL, that being a cold hearted bastard and thinking only of your own needs only gets you to the very lonely and unfulfilling top. Intellectually and rationally I KNOW that this is a most destructive road as it leads only to the nullification of the individual by the ignorance of others. To define oneself in the singular, as an example, and somehow manage to contribute to the society (the collective) is irrational and highly anti-intellectual. Yes there is some measure of self interest in every relationship we undertake, Ill grant that, but without a touch of altruism, there is no other. There is only the singular, resting at the top of a very lonely mountain, watching the ants scurry beneath him. Ants he has manipulated to do his singular bidding, ants who en masse will eventually rebel and topple the mountain. So much for forethought.

And now this

2005-09-09T13:06:00.000-07:00

http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/Music/09/09/music.cbgb.slease.ap/index.html

New Language.

2005-09-09T12:45:00.000-07:00

I think I’ll start a trend. Instead of referring to the world post 9/11 I’m going to reference everything post-Katrina. Making statements like “Post-Katrina, the issue of race has once again been brought to the forefront,” and “Post-Katrina, I don’t feel as safe… and so on. Talk about stealing the language back from those who would use it to further their own agenda, this trend will be massive.

Of course, unlike the universal understanding, and universal blindness that followed the WTC attacks, this new language will not be one of unity and consolation. It will be one of division and strife. I’m reading that now the “Blame game,” whatever the fuck that means, is being spread in an ever-increasing net now the state and local authorities are being blamed for the lack of coordination and communication. I suppose the fact that there isn’t a clear picture of what actually happened, the spreading of blame and moreover responsibility is prudent. But the fact that the whole thing was a cluster-fuck and the Levee issue has yet to be resolved leads me to believe that yet again, the spin doctors are at work, loose like foxes in the hen house.

Post-Katrina, Bush’s numbers are slipping further into the shitter. Post-Katrina Millions of displaced people are rootless and lost, and Post-Katrina the American public is more divided than ever.

On a more personal note, Post-Katrina I do not feel safe, Post-Katrina I feel that my life is worth less than my white counterparts, Post-Katrina I feel that my financial problems, my love problems and my health problems are unworthy of bitching about because of the fact that I still have something, I still have a roof over my head, I still have a wonderful family an amazing and intelligent wife, and a beautiful and intelligent son. Post-Katrina I trust the government even less and I believe the utter and absolute failure of the trickle down theory is at hand. Post-Katrina, I feel that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few… or the one.

Comments...

2005-09-07T18:15:00.000-07:00

WV is ON Fuck you BOTS!

When the hell did dogs become more important than people?

2005-09-07T17:40:00.000-07:00

More wickedly fucked up shit….

http://politics.gnxp.com/2005/09/since-when-dogs-before-people.html

More perspective and some context to go along with it..

2005-09-07T16:37:00.000-07:00

Here is the full text of what West said that fateful night, take it in context and see that the bit that everyone is talking about isn’t the important bit. The important bit is the context itself. No one can deny the line of thought, although a more accurate statement could be made by saying “The corporate run least common denominator bullshit media LOVES Black People, they love to judge us, they love to niggerize us, they love to portray us as savages and brutes, they fucking LOVE us!”

West’s actual words and the link to the Washington Post article it is culled from:
West: I hate the way they portray us in the media. You see a black family, it says, "They're looting." You see a white family, it says, "They're looking for food." And, you know, it's been five days [waiting for federal help] because most of the people are black. And even for me to complain about it, I would be a hypocrite because I've tried to turn away from the TV because it's too hard to watch. I've even been shopping before even giving a donation, so now I'm calling my business manager right now to see what is the biggest amount I can give, and just to imagine if I was down there, and those are my people down there. So anybody out there that wants to do anything that we can help -- with the way America is set up to help the poor, the black people, the less well-off, as slow as possible. I mean, the Red Cross is doing everything they can. We already realize a lot of people that could help are at war right now, fighting another way -- and they've given them permission to go down and shoot us!

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/09/03/AR2005090300165.html

A bit of perspective..

2005-09-07T16:12:00.000-07:00

Why does it take foreign news sources to get the lowdown on what is really happening in the US? Here’s an article from the German newsmagazine Der Spiegel about the warnings and shortsightedness of the Bush administration where the city of New Orleans is concerned. http://service.spiegel.de/cache/international/0,1518,372455,00.html I don’t agree that this is no time to cast blame, because as usual the spin and deceive machine will go into effect as soon as the “time is right.”

There has been some outcry from the small circulation mostly left of center politically oriented publications, but who reads The Nation or the Washington Monthly, south of the mason Dixon line or anywhere west of the San Francisco / Seattle line. An interesting “roundup” of facts from one of the above sources: http://www.washingtonmonthly.com/archives/individual/2005_09/007050.php

I still find it very hard to believe most mainstream American news outlets as far as any real news about the wholly fucked politically stone-age processes in the United States government. From the war in Iraq to Katrina, the coverage of any politically charged issue is either dissolved in the muck of shouting talking heads or the skimming over of a story for an increasingly ADD ridden public. Neither of these are conductive to anything but a somnambulist state, exactly what the advertisers want.

Bush, West and mental disorders...

2005-09-05T15:07:00.000-07:00

“Bush doesn’t care about Black people”

Yeah it’s a gross generalization, an emotional response, but considering the foot dragging and lip service given to the infrastructure of New Orleans and the barriers surrounding the city and the response to the disaster that was a result of them, it is a gut reaction yet some shred of truth exists.

Bush is the embodiment of an ethos, one which on the one hand encourages us to work hard and we will be rewarded and on the other hand removes the protections that even the playing field. The changes in bankruptcy law, the reduction of essential services, the removal of incentives to get the poor out of poverty, all the results of this same ethos. Now I’m not going to go into the many flaws I find with modern conservatism, but I will say this to president Bush and his ilk, you are no Conservatives.

Natural disasters are notoriously opportunistic, not by design, but as we continue to ignore the existing problems with our infrastructure the issues of poverty and neglect and continue to feed the market, the results of our lack of focus come in the form of devastation in what are ironically named “Acts of God.”

Does Bush or the current administration care about Black people? The obvious answer is yes, although the emotional response from us is “hell no.” Unfortunately the actual answer lies somewhere in-between. The disaster that took place, like most, was minimizable or entirely avoidable. The levees that held back the water surrounding the city of New Orleans were, as we are want to do in this country, a quick, temporary fix. Looking at a country like Holland, and the intricately designed series of waterway levees and dykes, its hard to justify in the richest country in the world, how it is even conceivable that we would consider such a low tech solution.

Had we opted for a higher tech solution, or simply spent a considerable amount of time and money to research the possibility of creating something that would manage water flow more efficiently, the people of New Orleans may not be displaced and their lives uprooted and devastated.  But the ethos of conservatism is privatization and that generally translates to what is more fiscally and socially safe and more often than not, temporary.

There are so many factors that come into play when looking at the results of a disaster. In this particular case the elements are legion. The possibility of climate change aside, the abject poverty of the people living in the gulf region and the Mississippi delta, and the halfhearted attempts at keeping the below sea level city literally above water. All these and many other aspects of the branching chain of our economic and social “morality” are out of whack and I believe to some degree have contributed to the horror and devastation we are seeing today.

We, in central Florida, have just passed the year mark of the second of three hurracaines that in some way, directly or indirectly impacted us. I remember the following day the National Guard was out in full force, keeping order and maintaining the curfews that the local governments had imposed. The aid came quickly and efficiently. Granted we were not underwater, and granted there is already a strong military presence here, I give the feds that much. But I think the general consensus was and still is that help to the victims of the disaster that befell the Gulf States, New Orleans in particular, was inadequate and slow to come.

An unreported and arguably more incisive indictment of the governments lack of action before during and after Katrina was delivered by Rep. Dennis Kucinich The full text of which can be found here: http://www.thenation.com/blogs/edcut?bid=7&pid=19698) Its no surprise which outburst made the national news. Kanye West’s comments were broadcast as part of a relief effort and excised for broadcast on the west coast, it was live on the east coast and was promptly and efficiently dismissed by the “management of NBC.” I wonder why, all of the sudden, in the last few years people have been regularly going “off script” on live television. Kinda makes the Janet Jackson incident seem like a trend setting one, doesn’t it?

These incidents almost seem like the restless results of a country asleep at the wheel. It just occurred to me that the spontaneous outbursts of random lunacy come when the forces of repression are at their highest and most powerful. Comparing the two incidents may seem like a stretch, whatever Jackson’s motives were they probably weren’t political, or were they?

The fact is that the current climate here in the United States is as repressive and blame ridden as ever. Look at the defining moments of the last 5 years and you will see a laundry list of issues ranging from the mundane to the ridiculous, Gay Marriage, Media Violence and Sex, Taxes, Evolutional studies in school, and a senseless and wasteful war that kept morphing form reason to reason, none of which have yet to come to fruition.  And at the center of it all we have the supposed moral superiority of an ethos, modern conservatism.

Now I’m not by any means rationalizing or minimizing the impact of these things on society, but I see them as more of a symptom or a reflection of the changes in it, than the causal connection the conservatives see. Howard Stern, although now only occasionally amusing, likened the vehemence with which the FCC went after him as “dangerous to free speech,” with which I agree. Dislike for Stern not withstanding you have to see the man’s point. When a ideologue and racist like Bob Grant is allowed to call blacks “monkeys” wishing the deaths of many a non-white adversary and hoping for gays the be “mowed down” by police at a gay pride parade, and various other violence inciting diatribes. And is constantly skipped over in the FCC’s righteous indignation of lewd and hateful talk. Michael Savage, another constant offender has been overlooked by the FCC as well, although he was fired by MSNBC after his comments, “You should only get AIDS and die, you pig, how's that? Why don't you see if you can sue me, you pig. You got nothing better to do than to put me down, you piece of garbage, you got nothing better to do today, go eat a sausage and choke on it. Get trichinosis. Now do we have another nice caller here who's busy because he didn't have a nice night in the bathhouse who's angry at me today? Put another, put another sodomite on....no more calls? I don't care about these bums, they mean nothing to me.” No fines were incurred although the remarks were heard far and wide.

Using these examples, a little oral sex and potty humor seems downright wholesome. The Stern uproar was far less well… uproarious form the people who usually go after radio hosts and various other talking heads yet the fines imposed do not reflect the public outcry.

So then it’s ok to call blacks “monkeys” and wish death on homosexuals, but for some reason its wrong to discuss (however juvenile it is at times) sex. I could easily extrapolate that by whom is being attacked, those with a queasy constitution for sex talk, or people of color and gays, that the administration and those behind it “don’t care.”

There are many other less obvious examples of where the priorities of Conservatism, especially the strange hybrid of Religious and Capitalistic concerns, collude to give the impression that anyone outside its influential sphere is not only wrong, but suffers a severe “mental disorder” as Savage puts it in his new book. The real mental disorder is counting the millions of working poor and their uninsured children as collateral damage in the new economy.

This is where West got his notion. And in a way, I believe he’s right.

The utter ignorance!

2005-08-28T12:54:00.000-07:00

The utter ignorance and one-dimensional nature of the human animal continues to astound me. This war, the spin placed on the reasoning for it, the religious fervor with which people attach patriotism to everything and anything related to it and the absolute blindness that accompanies it, continue to be a source of frustration. How, given the current climate, anyone could possibly believe that this war has a pleasant outcome awaiting its end I am at a loss to explain.

Currently the Sheehan situation has reached critical mass. People who saw her as no more than an annoyance are now massing, like so many swift boat veterans, to dispute and discredit her. She is simply a mother who lost a son in a war that is very obviously un-winnable. She is an American citizen exercising her right to protest what she and many others believe is a wasteful, obnoxiously arrogant exercise on so many levels. I knew as the media attention intensified, as the focus on Bush and his inability to address directly, both the rational behind the war and the obvious quagmire we have found ourselves in because of it, that this backlash would begin.

A group calling itself something akin to “You don’t speak for us you communist lesbian traitor” has been staging a counter demonstration in Crawford. Of course, our brave media is there, making yet again another mountain out of an ant hill. The pictures of these people shoving Sheehan’s “propaganda” into (ironically) Oil barrels, burning then and giving nonsensical, religious-patriotic hybrid speeches, the sound and the fury, signifying nothing. I watch as “patriots” give speeches about the price of freedom, having little or no understanding of what that concept has to do with the current war. I watch as a man violently smashes what I suspect are Sheehan’s signs of protest, I wonder how he managed to get his hands on them. Was it through subterfuge? Was it covertly snagged from a weak bladdered protester who as they looked for someway to relieve themselves returned to find their personal property had been absconded with, or are the signs simply reproductions made by the counter-demonstrators, destroyed symbolically as they were created. Camp reality indeed.

I fully support anyone’s right to protest and that includes counter protests, but at the very least, have some basis in fact for what you plan to present when you do. I remember seeing Penn and Teller’s Bullshit! on Showtime and watching as they sent someone to question environmentalists about the things they were insisting, none of the people interviewed could answer the simplest of the questions asked of them. And when asked to sign a petition against water, many of them oblivious to the chemical signature of the most precious element, signed without question. Yes ignorance is alive and well on both sides of the political spectrum.

Camp reality, more like camp groupthink. I just saw a bit more detailed report about the counter protests and as usual for many on the right, reactionary is the first word that comes to mind. “Texas doesn’t want you!” and the now familiar mantra of you’re with us or against us, sounding clearly. So much for the issue at hand, anyone want to sign my petition banning common sense.

I can’t truly believe that this isn’t another swift boats type of thing. Someone in the Republican Party, one of the spin-doctors who so cynically spun Kerry’s record must be behind this show of jingoism. There is no apparent leader; for one thing, the fact that only random faces have emerged in this counter-idiocy gives me pause. It leaves no one to point to as the mastermind, and like the sleeper cells of Al Qaeda and with no small amount of irony the right wing militia movement and the racist “Sword and arm of the law” and so many other “patriots” have employed many of the same methods. That the mainstream has in a very real way conducted themselves in the same fashion only illustrates the fact that there is very little self-awareness in fanaticism, whether it be religious, racial or in this case, patriotic.

Give me something I can chew on, give me facts not slogans. If you support the war then why? Give me something substantive, if you are able. Don’t tell me that I support the terrorists because I don’t. Don’t call me a traitor, because I’m not. Tell me, convince me that I’m wrong, with facts. The last refuge of the scoundrel is to not care what the opposition thinks, to be blind to the logic and fall prey to emotionalism and patriotic fervor. The evidence of a bad ending is written on the walls of the bombed out buildings of Tikrit, and if we fail to see it we are just as guilty of the former dictator of Iraq.

While all this is going on the debate rages over the application of the Psudeoscience of intelligent design. How are these things connected you might ask. They are connected at the root of the human capacity to justify ideas that have become a part of our culture without rational examination. In this case, they are using the application of science to justify an approach, which is wholly unscientific. Intelligent design states, in a nutshell, that organic life is far too complex at its higher stages to have developed without some guiding hand. This co-opting of science to justify creation is just the latest attempt to sway our institutions of learning away from teaching theory to teaching myth. The same sort of unconscious drive to explain the unexplainable that leads us to question our existences is present here, but what is missing is the rational thought and extrapolation of evidence present in scientific inquiry, what it is replaced with is a creationist explanation of evolution. Instead of digging deeper and believing in the value of inquiry, the easy explanation of God as the essential element is inserted.

The same rational that dictates the ceasing of rational thought where science is concerned is at work in the machinations of war. The examination only goes so far until there is no thought left, only compliance.

News...

2005-07-16T05:57:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I haven't been all that good at posting lately, its not that I haven't been around but I've been spending lots of time here: www.afropunk.com I don't even remember how I found this site but I can't wait to see the film. As soon as things calm down around here I'll be doing my best to arrange a screening down here, although I wonder exactly how many people will get it. I've been holding out on commenting on the London Bombings, like most Americans I grieve the loss of life, but unless it happens on our shores it is too distant to have a real impact. The news agencies, as usual, within ten minutes of having some idea how many people died, zeroed in on the Americans among them. As I was watching with a fair amount of emotional detachment, the singling out of this one among the crowd made me shiver. Not because it was something I could identify with, but because of the sheer cynicism of the attempt to make it “hit home” by inclusion. Unfortunately for me, and I'm sure many others, the attempt to link this far away event by showing its impact on one soul fell flat. I guess I just am so deluged with talk of terrorism that I have become almost immune to the horror. That is sad. Closer to home, this: http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20050702/ap_on_go_su_co/scotus_o_connor has me worried. This: attackhttp://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2002/12/21/politics/main533998.shtml almost gave me a heart. Thank goodness the second story has proven to be false...for now. Bad enough that Bush has the ability to choose the next nominee but to have the ability to choose 2 would have been devastating to those who value their freedom. Congress has been complacent, to say the least, about countering Bush's continuing assault on freedom of speech through hefty fines issued by the FCC, Its insistence upon prying into our personal lives while thwarting any attempt at examination of the administrations shady dealings and even shadier pasts. Ironic how the federal government has the ability to spy on its citizens yet they as individuals have done everything to hide Bush's personal past including his alleged AWOL, drug use, and abuse of his position as a privileged citizen. Even more ironic is the fact that meetings between government and business (Enron) have been kept from public scrutiny when it is well known that these meetings have an impact on federal policy. This administration is one of the most secretive, in recent memory. Rivaling, in my mind, that of Nixon in its ability to bob and weave its way out of trouble. Yet we go idly along, ambling into the dark.

Over to the dark side...

2005-06-22T03:11:00.000-07:00

Been reading a lot of Libertarian literature, cruising Libertarian websites lately, being an Anarchist at heart I have always felt an odd kinship with Libertarians at the very least on issues of personal freedom and responsibility.

Every shade of the political rainbow seems to have a fairly firm grip on its philosophical basis, freedom. But the flavors of freedom vary differently from camp to camp. As do the inconsistencies between their founding philosophies and the reality of the larger world. The so called "rationality" of Libertarians is, in my mind, not all that rational when it comes to the issue of supplanting government power with corporate power.

I have had conversations with libertarians concerning this and the answer is always the same, remove trade barriers, privatize social services (to varying degrees) and the "market" will take care of the rest. Now I can't help but think that there is a great deal of latitude given to highly authoritarian and collectivist organizations, so called "private" organizations accountable only to those who directly participate in them (i.e. the shareholders, the board of directors, and lastly the consumer). This has always struck me as an intolerable inconsistency.

Libertarians often focus on the tyranny of the state in economic matters yet gloss over, or all but ignore the fact that in removing trade barriers, labor laws, and minimum wages they will be replacing the tyranny of the state with the tyranny of private enterprise. A tyranny that is dismissed in the phrase “government will only interfere in private enterprise when coercion is a factor,” well what constitutes coercion? Does the greed of individuals equal their freedom, and are they free to consume the majority of the resources when they are in the minority? Moneyed interests already have an inordinate amount of power and hold the lions share of resources, land holdings and more importantly CONTROLL over the lives of the individuals who rely upon them. How does freeing them from government restrictions make the rest of us more free?

This is the great puzzle of free-market capitalism. Libertarians, and anacro-syndicalists both have this inherent flaw in their philosophies.

And meanwhile...

The Flag burning zealots are at it again, this time taking the back-door route to creating a bronze cow out of our national symbol. The same folks who brought you the constitutional amendment “protecting marriage” bring you this little piece of legislation. It, with little fanfare and media coverage has already passed the house and will likely pass the senate. The new improved amendment will allow the states to determine the punishment for “Flag Desecration” finally deifying the stars and stripes. As the definition of Desecration goes, something has to be sacred in order to be desecrated, we will now not be required to salute the flag, but worship it as well.

I would expect that, for this reason, the religious right would be up in arms. They play fast and loose with semantics when dealing with marriage, yet ill bet that no one will raise even the slightest opposition to the meaning inherent in the language of the amendment.

Stumbling around in the dark....

2005-06-18T03:12:00.000-07:00

Bush agenda “out of touch” with mainstream America.

Besides the fact that the scope of the current administration is narrow to say the least, totally bereft of new ideas and terribly blind to the 45 or so percent of voters who rejected the “mandate” they supposedly hold. Media blames the war, and social security, but with two very close elections and a solid rejection of the narrow social agenda of the right that this administration holds so close to the vest, the writing is, and has been on the wall for over 5 years now.

And still the administration sticks to the script. There is an acknowledgment of the fact that MOST Americans are growing tired of the lies and secrecy, the intrusion into our personal lives that has resulted from the largely overstated “terrorist threat.” But according to the Bush camp, there will be no change in policy just a subtle shift in the spin tactics that have served them so well. Is the public finally growing tired of these intrusions? Tired of the lies and misdirections that would make Doug Henning look like a birthday party magician? Or has there always been a strong opposition, at least on the grassroots level, that has been ignored and deflected by the administration and dancing to to the tune set by the public relations organ grinders, the media.

No doubt this administration is the most adept at spinning and manipulating the media to dance to its particular tune. After all, the simplest music generally appeals to the widest audience, and the media manipulation of the Bush administration is very, very simple.

Not mentioned were the USA Patriot Act, the backwards and utterly archaic social agenda of the Bush administration, the marginal “victories” in the last two elections and the Shaviao case to which this group has glommed on in an attempt to kowtow to the religious right. As a matter of fact, most of the major initiatives of this administration have been guided by, and in many cases written by, corporate and religious interests.

In fact, the vast majority of what has been put forward by the Bush administration have been abysmal failures, and still, they push on with total complacency of the Fourth Estate. The war in Iraq, Social Security, Gay Marriage, the Patriot Act, the Shaivao case, the vehemence with which this administrations FCC has attempted to sanitize the airwaves, all examples of Bush policies that have been unusually divisive or have simply failed to capture the hearts and minds of the American people.

Speaking of the Patriot act... Heard an interesting ad on the radio the other day. One of the times when the diverse (oddly diverse) consortium of “rights groups” and political action groups come together to focus on a specific policy or agenda. The ACLU, and the American Conservative Union were just two of the groups mentioned in the ad which criticized the Patriot act for its intrusive and secretive provisions that all but strip Americans of their 1st, 2nd 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, and 8th amendment rights. Oddly enough, the NRA was absent from the list, not surprising since the NRA has been caught between a rock and a hard place by the policies of this administration and its constituents, many of which are so called “religious conservatives” (the God and guns crowd).

I have heard two versions so far, one focused on the ability of the Government to track purchases of firearms, and the other, focusing on the warrant less ability to acquire personal information, track Internet use and acquire business records. I'm sure the ads vary by region, the ads played here would probably not be as effective in the “Liberal” northeast, but I find it oddly comforting that there is an across the board grassroots rejection of governance by paranoia.

Cheese...

2005-06-17T13:12:00.000-07:00

Listening to some more music this afternoon, attempting to twink at the bass some more as well. Sometimes I can get close to a breakthrough and everything clicks, other times its difficult to carry a tune at all. Today was a mix of both in both life and in music.

I miss the familiarity of old friends. Now, aside from my family I have mostly acquaintances. Acquaintances are nice, they don't demand much attention, but the moments of familiarity are few and far between, and the familiarity is what I miss. The difference between friends and acquaintances is a simple one. Silence. Or rather the KIND of acceptable silence for each. With friends you can be silent with little or none of that uncomfortable feeling of filling the void with something, anything to keep from hearing the wind blowing outside. Friends need no such verbal maintenance, they require no void filling.

I miss sharing silence with a good friend.

Someone who knows most of what you keep hidden from the world, someone who doesn't care that you have nothing to say, that your conversational skills have waned in old age, someone with whom you have nothing to prove.

I'm aching for some friendship right now. I don't think its possible at almost 40 years old, living (in your mind) elsewhere to cultivate new deep lasting friendships. If I had any intention to stay here beyond my 40th birthday, I might try, but I have absolutely none.

I'm not a vagabond soul, if coming here has pr oven anything it has proven that.

I'm a homebody, a home base dweller. I wouldn't mind going away If I were assured that I would have somewhere to go HOME to, and that home isn't here.

There was something I read the other day that I wanted an unrelated individual to discuss with. In a typical gesture I opened my mouth to say it and turned to see no one there. The feeling that washed over me was difficult to describe. Since one of the results of the move has been the dulling of my emotions and the loss of the ability to adequately name them when they do pop up.

At least the fucking rain is finally gone.... for now.

Had an awesome workout this morning, I slowed things down considerably and noticed a HUGE pump this time around. Most days I'm not sore after a workout, today was a glorious exception. The absolute worst thing about being so active is the constant need to eat, I'm hungry 24-7, most of the weight I have gained is muscle, but for the first time in my life I have a small paunch that just won't go away. I've crunched my ass off and there it sits, defying me to work it off. But if that is the extent of my worries for now, then everything is just peachy keen... no?

Water, water...everywhere

2005-06-17T02:23:00.000-07:00

Well it seems that we here in central Florida are back in the early summer cycle of afternoon rainshowers (read:deluges) Yesterday's rainfall was significant to say the least, at several points completely obscuring my vision and taking a few limbs down on the already sparce tree at the end of our stairwell. For a moment it was insane and scary, thankfully, at its height we were sitting about 100 feet from our apartment building, stuck in the middle of the lot....waiting.

It was a stark contrast to the blazing sunshine earlier in the day, sunshine that through a thin layer of sunscreen gave me an annoying itchy burn.

Meanwhile, the dipshit Gov. of Mass is giving into pressure by the religious right and hopping on the badwagon of fools who want to put in place the first constitutional amendment that would restrict the rights of certain individuals. Defending marrage, what a crock of unadulteratd shit. The only question I have is why. A question that cannot possibly be answered with a reasonable response.

And the results of the Schiavo autopsy, with relatively little fanfare, emerged yesterday, and guess what? She was not only reduced to a quivering mass of brain material, but it seems as though she was blind as well. I would think that anyone concerned with the quality and dignity of life would have allowed her body to follow her mind a long time ago. The unfortunate thing about American memory is that it is painfully short, and we tend to hear what we want to hear, see what we want to see and disregard the rest.

I sometimes feel that the right's downfall is painfully close at hand, but often it seems more like wishful thinking than anything else.

Thoughts for later...

2005-06-15T03:42:00.000-07:00

Still ruminating on a few things I read this morning...

Mission Space...

Racial biology, the biology of sexual orentation, culture and disease...

Interactions, fleeting but fufilling...

Well, off to work now, sorry about the tease, but my brain came alive late this morning.

By the way...

2005-06-13T17:21:00.000-07:00

Ok last post for this evening, I promise, pinky swear...

I did manage to get that swim in. It was good and fun as any time spent in the water and with my son is. Though, as usual there was a note of concern, a few actually.

He is both fearless and has a total lack of tenacity.

Soloing, he is unafraid.

In a group of his peers, although no wallflower, he has a severe lack of competitiveness, which is ok, but the collusion of young boys, budding adolescence and the general nature of the competitive society we live in cause him to become frustrated, and angry.

He's not the hitting type, not at all. But I fear that someday he will boil over. His mom has quite the temper and in some ways I sometimes feel that she is still very young emotionally herself. Shes brilliant, like him, but as my calmness is both a cultivated part of me and a genetic pre-disposition, I fear he has inherited too much of these traits from his mom. But then again, he is daddy's little boy, now if only I can figure out a way to help him cultivate that calmness. Mine occurred through lots of trial and error, and no father present, the good news is that he already has that bonus.

And on a semi-unrelated note...

2005-06-13T16:40:00.000-07:00

Switched to local news channel 13.

Another episode of CSI on Spike that I have seen at least 10 times...

Jeb "lil Bush" (his Seminole name) is standing outside an Orange County school that for the second year in a row garnered an F grade in the FCAT testing done annualy here in the Disney state (in some ways Florida was a test case for the "no child left behind" federal law) speaking with his usual lethargy (this guy makes John "Herman Munster" Kerry look like an over excited pre-teen) about the situation. "Reading is more important than self esteem," no Jackass, its a PART of self esteem. Leave it to the Republicans to create the image of replicants marching to to tune of "Fun with Dick and Jane" lining up for low wage jobs in a state that has little or no protection for workers. Man that would kill my fucking self-esteem, but since reading is more important... its all good.

Jeb could use a lesson in holistic politics, and math. If a kid has a choice between selling crack for oh... lets say 100 bucks a day, OR working at a soul draining retail hellhole each with its own relative level of punishment, regardless of reading OR self esteem, basic economics says curtain number 1. (yeah its an old cliché but it still applies) If a school is failing, at the very least, bus the kids the fuck out!

Here in Brevard they just redistricted the schools in my area, (completely nonsensically, I might add) before, my son was in a beautifully landscaped school with a good reputation, now hes in a run down building smack dab in the middle of an industrial district, yeah the new school is an A school as designated by the FCAT scoring, but its an ugly building in a piss poor neighborhood... ahh progress.

Now the chances of seeing what could be, have been been replaced with the shadow of what will more likely be... location... location...

The Trial and now the Retrospective..UGH!

2005-06-13T15:38:00.000-07:00

Thank god this thing is over.

Yes, I'm talking about the Jackson trial. And no, I really don't give a fuck.

I get up early every morning, 4 am to be precise, "me time" to decompress and surf and smoke. After setting up the coffee pot, and grabbing a smoke, I flip on the tube and await the arival of my 6am goddess. CNN headline news, my crack of choice.

My morning drool sessions have been plagued for the past 6 months with the image of a gaunt, pasty white drawn face of Mr Jackson (I am for realllll!!). I have done what I could to avoid this media feeding frenzy, but like a goddamn cancer it was near impossible to avoid. And now its over... done.

Not Guilty.

Do I care? Not a bit, about the verdict that is...

What I do care about is the Media reaction to it.

Again CNN is my drug of choice.

The jurors are taking questions, Lou Dobbs, in all his quiet superiority is presiding over a review of the case, and various good looking "on the scene" reporters are saying the same thing ad nauseum and in the middle of it all Bob Shapiro is the only one that said anything of substance.

Robert Shapiro, made famous by the OJ case and recurring talking head on CNN and the "other" cable networks, comes clean and indicts the media for its slavish pursuit of "the big story." And what do the other "via satellite" commentators do? Again slavishly chime in on the self indictment, DUH!!! And then, THEN they all proceed to give MJ CARREER ADVICE, holy fucking shit how the worm turns.

And now that smug fuckwad too good looking for the rest of us Bill Maher wannabe Anderson Cooper, is looking into the camera and delivering the "big story" with all the intensity of the Nuremberg Trials... fuck me! Keep enunciating Anderson, those of us slower than you will eventually get it.

But thank (insert whatever religiously correct term you wish) Its over.

Personally, I think that the parents that have allowed their children to spend even a millisecond with Jackson should all be rounded up and given a series of Three Stoogesesque slaps... right down the line.

This isn't a Willy Wonka, this is a guy who has had a stunted childhood, a guy who has NEVER been any shade of normal, who suffered abuse and lost an entire portion of his life to FAME, even I who has never but briefly been in the limelight, have a rudimentary understanding of how fucked that can be. Especially considering the fact that this guy was subjected to this pre-adolescence. No groping in the back seat, no social or sexual experimentation, NOTHING!

We all hear horror stories of child actors falling to pieces, sliding into drug use, losing the ability to discern reality from fantasy. Hell, some of my high school friends have gone that route and that was on a limited budget. Imagine the unlimited potential of a major or even a minor star, people doing things for you, enabling you, protecting you by hiding your addictions, providing the means to feed them. The Coreys, Tatum O'Neil, Robert Downey... the list goes on....

But now I'm turning off CNN, after dousing myself in the media shitstorm, I'm done with it, over...

But I don't give a fuck, really I don't...

On a lighter note I cannot believe the Hitachi commercial I just watched, the MPAA should have a field day with that one. My take... with the new Spielberg "epic" War of the Worlds (side note, one of Jackson's PR Reps is "aesthetic" over the verdict) playing on the plasma television, a camcorder sitting right next to it, the irony. Promoting piracy, anyone?

Really... I'm turning it off now...

Them Crazy Christians....

2005-06-13T11:28:00.000-07:00

Ok so I may be pissing off a lot of folks here (who the fuck am I kidding, as if "a lot of folks" would ever find this mess o' thoughts) but what the FUCK is up with so called "Christians" these days? Everything I have been taught about Jesus of Nazareth (which I have disavowed as mostly fable, to some degree, later on this...) has cloaked him in a white light of peace and forgiveness. YET, thees fucks who go around channeling him and his dad seem to have nothing but hatred in their hearts. Hatred for Gays, Blacks, Jews (or for that matter anyone "non-white," although the "good Hispanics" seem to be off the shit list now because of the fact that many of them belong to the same little club) basically anyone who doesn't conform to writing in the narrow margins they set for themselves.

Any self respecting free-thinker who was not born and raised in the south, heed my warning, DO NOT COME HERE!!!! Here specifically being Florida, in general, anywhere south of Virginia. Yes there are pockets of free thought down here, down east, but FUCK me if I see one more grinnin Good ol Boy (or girl) with the goddamn W, Freedom First, or any such jingoistic bullshit pious statement plastered all over the bumper of their HUGE fucking truck. Fucking stereotypes exist for a reason, especially this one. There are so many MAJOR inconsistencies in the way these people think, or don't.

My favorite ones so far: Happiness is a northbound yankee.... Well Fuck, I couldn't be happier than if I were hauling my ass back up north, oh sorry Mr Redneck, is that not what you meant?

I FUCKING hate this place....

And ironically Florida is one to the top states for "the lifestyle," yet another stereotype that has meaning. I remember the story of a Pastor in a southern town who rallied against Larry Flynt, Bob Guccione and their ilk only later to be discovered as a fornicator himself, yeah that Karma IS a bitch....

What is especially fucked up and hard is living here as a (vaguely) Black, liberal (borderline anarchist) agnostic. I have come to the conclusion that I have nothing of value to bring to the table down here in the way of discussing politics or religion. As a matter of fact I have felt physically threatened just for possessing the NOTION that there is no God.

Yet I hear "Judith" at least once a week on the local "Alternative" radio station, go figure...

Only Immortal for a Limited Time....

2005-06-13T10:34:00.000-07:00

Spending some time this afternoon listening to music and (gasp) remenescing. Putting off starting my afternoon workout, which will for the first time in several weeks include a swim in the too-small complex pool. And thinking about far away friends...

Think I'll torture myself for a few minutes and play "Time Stand Still" ironic since it seems after moving here time has come to a virtual halt. I think, as I listen, about all the time I pissed away forgot to enjoy every waking moment, forgot to not only exist, but to live. I miss the Sunday dinners, the Thanksgiving's and Christmases spent with people I CHOSE to be with rather than felt compelled to do so. I miss having choices, however limited. But I have resigned myself to the fact that I can still choose, although from a even more limited pool of options, I can still choose.

It took me awhile to be able to listen to Rush after reading "The Ghost Rider" I found it a compelling, depressing and at the same time oddly uplifting. Now that last statement could very easily be mistaken for a crib, I admit it isn't as original as it should be but it fits.

I have difficulty, great difficulty, listening to "Grace Under Pressure" in fact I don't think I have since finishing the book. "Distant Early Warning" especially chills me now. Even thinking about it makes me sad, the parallels are frightening. I worry about the safety of my own son everyday, I feel the umbilical tether stretched each time he boards the school bus, goes outside to play, or spends any time away from me. The rawness of the book and that fact keeps me far from that song.

Speaking of danger...

Is it my imagination or is this the year of the abducted child? I know that statistically there is some rationalization for the seeming ubiquity of child killings and abductions this year, but the fact that anyone could do such a thing... possibly the ONLY thing I would ever willingly and gladly kill for would be witnessing such an act...

Human decency, what a concept.

Back to the book... one of the things talked about that I now have a better understanding of, through my experience as a “fan” and through basic psychological self-evaluation, is the notion of not “pretending this stranger is a long awaited friend” the first time I heard “Limelight” I took it at face value, thinking basically that fame was the friend in question, and it seems at least I was partially correct, but the adulation and lack of anonymity being the other component.

As a “fan” especially in the dark times when music has been the single sustaining factor in my life, I have often projected upon the creators my own feelings, creating the illusion of kinship. Do I believe there is a connection between artists and their patrons, an emotional bridge? Yeah I do. If there was none then there would be NO art, no expression of, or rather, reception of beauty on the part of the patron. But ownership of the emotions art evokes belong solely to the receiver, the viewer, the listener. While the creator owns the origins of the words, sounds and images, as craven or as sacred as they are, the artist is only responsible for the content, not what the content evokes. It is a illusory bridge that many people do not hesitate to cross, yes sometimes if the parties are open, some insight can be gleaned on both sides, but often it is just an intrusion.

Ok, switching tunes...”Roam” ahhh airy and gentle, enough of the slogging around in the muck of depression.

The B52's always remind me of D, as do The Clash and King Crimson. They also remind me of P, funny because in the few times they have met they have never had more than a sentence or two between them, and they were all negative.

They also, as do the Indigo Girls, remind me of K, with her there was always a strange THING no better or more accurate way to explain it, just a THING. A “Ghost” a feeling that there was some untapped love thing there, for both of us, God, do I miss her.

I miss them all, all their ghosts....

I wonder how things would have progressed if I had stayed, stood my ground and said no! Ill never know now and part of me doesn't want to. FUCK, getting dark again, in mood and outside, so much for that swim....

As you pass through me.....

sweetness....

Good Morning Sunshine

2005-06-13T02:32:00.000-07:00

After several false starts...the race is on...

The beginning of another week finds me lazy and uninspired to do anything but sit in front of the computer and veg. Unfortunately, life has other plans for me today. I am hoping that this new component, compliment and diversion will give me some umph, a push in the right direction. If I stick with this one long enough (as I have so far with my workout) it may even prove fruitful, if only for cosmetic purposes.

The last 2 weeks have been dark and dreary, the sunshine state has been anything but lately. Mood wise I have managed to keep the wolves of depression at bay, for now, and have extended my sunny disposition to any and all that seem to be grasping at the roots of hope of the side of that craggy peak of whatever their "hearts desire" may be. I have always been adept at keeping others aloft, if only long enough to let the feeling of fleeting hopelessness pass.

A now dispossessed friend once said that I would "light up a room" upon entering it, I wonder how that statement holds now, if at all. I guess I don't care as much, being 20 or so years older and a hell of a lot less concerned with what other people think, but every once in a while I wonder...how others view me.

Been reading a lot of other peoples Blogs lately once I get the feel for hyper linking I'll gladly post some of the more interesting ones. But prior to that I will mention two of the more interesting ones that have captured my attention lately, Bob Mould's and Wil Wheaton's. I have been reading Wil's for a while now, being a self confirmed "geek" I always felt a kinship with him, his quiet activism a model for what I think the "quiet activist" should be. His takes on parenthood have always been a warm refuge from the ranting, raving and screaming of others in the Blogsphere and they help me laugh at my own stumblings and bumblings through the jungle of fatherhood.

Bob's, on the other hand, is a keen read of a different sort. I'm sure many "fans" of pop and rock stars feel, either through lyrical content, or glimpses into the personal lives of their "idols" a parallel life unfolding. Bob's music has always been a source of emotional catharsis with me, many times much to the chagrin of my closest friends, I spent many a year in my early adolescent and adult life with a "busted heart" and the blistering strains of "Too far down" and later the entire "Black Sheets of Rain" album were the soundtrack of many a bloodletting session.

Call it projection, but many times I have found myself getting glimpses of personal reflection from gleanings from his life, the struggle with personal identity not being the least, as was the burden of nicotine and various other parallel yet different addictions. Although my "identity crisis" has been political, racial and religious rather than sexual, I feel many of the things spoken by him and about him on a very personal level. I like the fact that experiences do not have to be exactly the same to be analogous. It gives me hope for the common experience.

So what will this be then, a gushing of hero worship? A blender mix of all that is pissing me off in the world at the moment (and there is much indeed) or a rant about my displaced nature as an refugee of the Northeast region of the united states (Pink turns to blue-Blue turns to red?) or shall I just say what comes to mind on any given day? A lament to the "old days" or a concentration of all that is good now?

What will it be, what will it be......