Undersatnding, a vent....

Do I dwell? Really?

I don't think so, but that involves thinking. Dwelling? Is it possible not to dwell, at least for a little while, to figure out beyond the animal instinct why? Is that not why we are above the beasts?

My life is not perfect, but I love it. Would never give it up without a fight. Its not all flowers and candy but why should it be. If I cut my finger or stub my toe should I not say "ouch," remember how I did it and try not to do it again? Or even try and find a new way to do what I was doing during the accident and avoid injury. Does pain not teach you something other than that it hurts?

I just rediscover things about people and places that clue me in to things I have experienced, give me peace. Is this not right? Not the process?

Well it is mine. I examine things in a much more casual way now, but no less intensely. Apparently this intensity is something only a few select people can handle. Through me being me I have now whittled my list of friends down three more in the past year. I wish them all well but I cannot help but see the utter and complete isolation an unexamined life must offer. But I don't live their lives, I don't have the intense hurts they have, the disappointments they have had. I don't understand, nor do I want to. After a point I guess it is best to let go. Let go of the things that mean so much to me in those attachments as they are concerned.

I refuse to go quietly though, flatly refuse. Even with my last dying breath I will fight to understand the world, the people and the places that mean so much to me. Even with the contrivance of "forget," I can't not forgive,it just isn't my way. I seek balance, and I find it in so many ways, but I do not seek numbness. Never numbness.

I reexamine, that's what I do. I can't forgive without knowing what hurt me in the first place. Sorry world, fuck you if you can't take a thought.

...that was nice...I feel so much better now :)